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Resources for Grieving
Once they get over the initial shock and denial phase of mourning a loss, many people hesitate to gravitate into a grief support group. That’s too bad, because such a group can be a lifeline to sanity. So can having a counselor walk us through the grieving process.
But even those with some degree of personal support, and especially those who want to muddle around in their own thoughts before connecting with someone who might help, can benefit from some excellent resources available on the printed page. The following are resources I’ve used, both in counseling others, and in my own grief work. While there are many other titles out there, I have had to select my favorites to make some reasonable suggestions for the reader.
How to Survive the Loss of A Love (Melba Colgrove, PH.D., Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. and Peter McWilliams—Prelude Press, 1991) is the first book to look for when you can finally lift your head up and try to figure out what happens next, after the shock and the tears. Survival is what it’s all about in those days, and the authors know this. They’ve put together a small, readable volume, with brief, encouraging entries on how to survive these difficult days on each left side page, and a relevant brief poem on the facing page.
The brevity of the entries is key, here. People grieving often have a shortened attention span. One woman, devastated over the suicide of a son, found she not only could absorb the short pages, but the y led to a hunger for more, and she devoured the book not once, but twice.
A sample of one of the one-page topics follows:
“REAFFIRM YOUR BELIEFS:
*Reaffirm any beliefs in which you have faith or have found useful in the past;
*These may include religious, spiritual, psychological or philosophical beliefs you find appealing and valuable;
*Use any body of knowledge you find comforting, inspiring or uplifting—reexplore it, lean on it, grow from it, enjoy it.”
These non-threatening messages to one in deep grief lead the reader to more positive, substantive auto-suggestions for working through grief, loss of motivation, partial healing and eventual survival after loss. Sometimes, too, the poetry touches a spot in the heart which the text may have failed to do. Note the poem on the facing page dedicated to seeking the support of others:
“help me up
my friend.
Dust me off.
Feed my me warmth.
You are comfort.
Let me lean on you
Until I cans stand
Alone.
I will then stand a little taller,
And you will be
Proud
To have a friend
Such as me.”
Those in pain relate well to empathetic short phrases like these that touch the heart. The book is the finest survival tool I have found in a single book.
A completely different, but helpful, text is the magnificent A Broken Heart Still Beats:After Your Child Dies by Anne McCracken and Mary Semel. The authors, one a journalist, the other a substance-abuse counselor, got together accidentally after each had lost a son, and still seeking healing and a way to express and understand their grief. The two women realized their own words could never say well enough what grieving parents need to hear, and so they mined the wonderful already existing literature of our tradition to come up with a touching, moving, exquisite paeon to grieving the loss of a child.
A Broken Heart Still Beats is such a universal experience, any mourner is sure to find something consoling, empathetic and even healing in its pages. Short excerpts, whole poems, brief short stories and essays from the great writers whose names we recognize (and some we don't) and who lost a child to early death fill the pages: Shakespeare, Mark Twain, who lost two daughters, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Ann Morrow Lindbergh, among others.
The writing of these selections is so vivid, so powerful and poignant, most people find they can only read two or three pages at a time. It's a book someone who is grieving MUST own--to go back to, time and again, and find in other people's well-chosen words a reflection of one’s own inexpressible sorrow, occasional despair, and hopefully, the healing to come. A Broken Heart Still Beats is rich drink for souls impoverished by the death of someone dearest to them--their own child. It would make a wonderful gift for a grieving parent or grandparent, even sibling, and certainly an insightful text for ministers, counselors or others who must console the grieving.
Those who grieve may never get to the final pages, but should be reassured knowing the book is close by for moments when they seek its comfort. How generous of these hurting mothers to have made the tremendous effort to put it together.
Hope Edelman’s Motherless Daughters: the Legacy of Loss (Dell Publishing, 1994) is a wise effort to put the support group one needs at times of loss at our fingers through the magic of a book. Edelman’s inability to deal well her mother’s death when the author was seventeen led her, later in her life, to ask other women how they dealt with being motherless. Soon she realized she had tapped a bottomless well, and began to seek out even more responses of women’s experience with this loss.
Her compilation of these personal experiences, and her own and her family’s make a finely textured treatment that is balm for the hurting soul. The sense of camaraderie, of being supported by others who “know,” is palpable in its pages.
Section headings provide a clue as to the topics Edelman covers after her years of research and personal grief work: Loss, Change, and Growth—the pattern of healing after the death of someone close. She deals with a woman’s forced entry into adulthood through a mother’s loss, her potential obsession with her own body, her need to escape too-early responsibilities, the relationship with a hurting father, sibling relationships after loss, and the hope of creativity, achievement and success in an “orphaned” woman’s life.
Some personal favorites among books for helping children grieve are included here, as well.
35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child, a small (49 page) book is a boon for helpers of children and family members who are grieving. The tips in the book come from a team of psychologists, social workers and educators at the Dougy Center in Portland Oregon based on almost 20 years of helping folks through bereavement. They stress respecting the child’s world and unique way of grieving—everyone is different and can and should react and respond to loss in a personally fulfilling way. They also stress using physical, concrete items both for the child to use creatively, and for triggers to remember and ritualize the loss of the loved one as well as to keep him/her alive for them.
Help a child talk about and remember the person who died, be honest; never lie to a child; remember special days that impact the child; hug with permission; make a child’s world safe for grieving; and get out the crayons, pens, pencils, paint and chalk.(As most parents and teachers know, children often express better in non-verbal ways) are their key suggestions.
The Dougy Center’s pioneering model for assisting children, teens and families coping with the death of a family member has received national and international acclaim. Similar programs have developed in seven (or more by now) countries throughout the world.(from back cover)
Their philosophy of “respect differences” is typified in this line from the Introduction to this powerful and successful little book: “Not all suggestions in this guidebook may apply…Take what is useful and helpful for you. When in doubt, ask a child or teen-ager what helps. They will tell you.”
This is a great gift far more useful than flowers, to the family of a grieving child. Walk, don’t run, to have one on hand the next time a child you know experiences loss
“Love never really goes away,” so says the author of "I Wish I Could Hold Your Hand." Dr. Pat Palmer's dedication in this small book to help children with bereavement Palmer encourages the people who believe it is brave and grown up to hold in their feelings when they have lost a loved one to open up for the sake of the child left behind.
Of course, we all need to discover that it is not the brave or grown-up thing to do to ignore our grief and keep "our powder dry." In fact, buried grief can lead to terrible, debillitating problems for years afterward.
Having been up close and personal to two households of children who lost a parent in the last three years, and another two who lost a beloved uncle, this author can vouch for the deep need that children have to grieve, and to have someone guide their grieving process. Unfortunately, the adults in their lives are also grieving at the time when someone close has died, and are not at their best in paying close attention to the young ones in their midst.
This book can help. With lovely line drawings of a child reaching out for comfort in various ways, eg., hugging a teddy bear, sitting sadly with a friend in the garden, Dr. Palmer addresses the child directly and counsels him/her in their grief. It's okay, she says, to need to cry sometimes, to need a friend to talk to, to take care of "that tender part inside you where it hurts the most."
Palmer even mentions the death of a pet, often a child's first experience with loss. I'd give this book to new parents and advise them to tuck it away "in case" the need arose for it--and who hasn't lost a kitten, a turtle, a hamster? The level of writing here is perfect for reading to for a young child, or for children 7-10 to read on their own, but caregivers would be well-advised to stay nearby for comfort when the grieving child reads. There are bound to be questions, and needs.
My favorite page of the book takes typical grown-up therapy questions that often help adults probe themselves and grow, but the author tailors them for the young mind, and sets them next to a sweet drawing of the book's protagonist just beginning to rise above his/her pain. The questions are: "What do I really want right now; How can I better help myself? How can other people help me feel better? Who can I ask to help me now?" This is a wonderful, and self-motivating approach anyone can use to feel at least a bit in control of their problems, such as grief, and this alone leads to healing.
Share the book with a friend, better yet, share a listening ear if a child close to you ever asks these questions and picks you as the answer to the last one! Palmer’s wisdom and compassion make this a highly useful book. Reading to assuage grief can be just a beginning to the reaching out for help. Everyone has to start somewhere. Someone else’s story may be just the right spot for you.
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